It’s a horrible thing to lay all night in agony acutely awake listening to the voices in the dark corners of my mind taunting me in other painful ways.
I’m screaming in fury at my luck.. cursing the gods.. the realisation.. I’m finished.. all the people counting on me, let down. All the patients let down. Faces of sooooo many staring at me, saying “at least you tried!” On and on and on.. what do I say to everyone!? How will I ever look at myself again.. on and on.. the long-running me.
Tears shudder into and out of me..
UP! UP! UP!!!!!!!!!
I’d rather die.. MOVE..HOBBLE..CRAWL..DAMN WELL MOVE IT!
I’m on the road and leaving ‘Fawlty Towers!’ Within 20 minutes.. dawns mist rising..I see the fear and hard felt resignation on my darling girlfriends face..I hate that this is hurting her soo much because of me..but..I have to..I just do.
There is no expectations and hopes of improvement… I just have to get to 50 paces and then the next and so on.. try to enjoy the scenery.. and give in to the pain.
So the day goes on.
I arrive 13 hours ish later.. Nessy hat on my noggin.. tartan kilt to boot..a few pics and a beer.. then head for ice baths and examination..
Which is where I am now.. legs broken.. and typing away for this… ignoring the voices saying.. “look and feel at yourself”.. “STOP STOP”.. NO I WON’T!!
Thanks for the kind few souls who stopped and talked to me as I was in the middle of nowhere and also gave a few pounds.Thanks for my luck in having a girlfriend who has backed me up even when she rightly so..shouldn’t.
And thanks to my friends who called and whispered positives.. night night..